I heard my husband on the phone very early one morning. I heard him ask strange questions…like something out of the ordinary was going on.

After a few minutes, he came into the bedroom to tell me that some friends of ours had lost their baby around 4 months gestation, and would have to deliver.

I laid in bed with the covers pulled over my head telling the Lord, “Not Now!”…just like a stubborn little 5 year old.

(I would know…because I have one!!)

I was far away. I couldn’t be there. I wasn’t even sure what I could say.

These were all excuses that I told myself.

But the tugging at my heart wouldn’t go away, so I got up and wrote our sweet friend a message. The hurt for her ran so deep. I mean it, and I can’t describe it, but my heart just felt like someone was stabbing an old wound.

I tried to think of every little way that I could help her…The little things people sent me that made me smile….and do it for her.

In doing so, memories started slowly returning. Strange ones that I could share with almost no one.

Ones that were hidden in my heart that only the Lord knew. 

I shared some things with her. Short little stories that had me laughing one moment and then crying the next.

My husband and I even started talking about our experience together to better help our friends which is something that almost never happens!

 

I felt like, for a moment, that it all really happened. It wasn’t a dream or something I might have imagined in my past. There really was a tiny hole in my heart  taken by a little man…who weighed  just 3 pounds 2 oz.

A little boy with probably more than 3 genetic disorders making him incompatible with life beyond my womb

who spent 8 months overcoming all the odds in my belly…

making me fall in love with him…

only to take that little piece with him forever.

 

Being able to help a family was an answer to a prayer that I have prayed many many times, and as my friend shared her story with the world via her blog, I was incredibly encouraged and grateful to have been given the chance to know her and be a help to her during this time.

 

And yet, this week I sat in my chair…

a little frustrated.

I was frustrated that at a time so close to his birthday that the Lord would allow some of these memories to resurface.

That sitting there in my chair…a blurry instant replay was happening in my mind of just a few days…a few hours…of forever ago

Why did he have to let this happen to someone I know?  Why did the painful things we went through have to be so discussed again…so deeply…so intimately…those painful details…now?

The thoughts were so many that I started not being able to sleep at night.

That’s when it happened. 

That is…a surrender of my thoughts to Him

 

This morning…exhausted…I just started praying. Honestly, I didn’t even know what to pray. I didn’t understand the thoughts and emotions that were being handed over to Him. But I knew He understood. I knew He knew my heart. I knew He could make sense of it all..and I needed Him!

Through my time of prayer, I realized that I was trying to be strong and do it on my own.  I was trying to “let go” of this part of my life because that’s what I thought was expected of me. Because I knew the memories were all fading and it just seemed right to me.

But Christ doesn’t get glory from “me being strong”…or me trying to “let go” of something he has allowed to take place in my life…something He has used to mold me and change me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says:

 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ’s sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

 

He gets glory when I quit trying to take care of it myself and give it all to Him.

His grace is sufficient for me.

When I am weak in myself...when it seems the hole in my heart will always be there along with the pain…I am strong in His Grace.

 

I have to keep reminding myself that it never was about me.

That what we went through, our story his story, wasn’t about us.

People can make it out to be about us…but it wasn’t.

It was about Him. He knew my pain then. He understood my suffering. And he knows my thoughts and the grief I still have… now.

He had grace for me then…and he has grace for me now.

And it’s enough.

 

After asking God to give me peace and clarity…to restore my joy and help me understand, these thoughts came to my mind:

In helping my sweet friend, I was presented with yet another opportunity for Christ to get glory from our sufferings, and in return I was helped! I was strengthened and encouraged.

The Lord used my friend’s experience to work in my life.

He brought memories that were fading back to life. Because who can truly help someone else with what they are facing if they can’t even remember themselves the details of what they faced?

Now beside my son’s grave, there lies yet another marker of God’s grace…with another sweet boy’s name on it…who is forever in heaven with him!

How sweet is The Lord to knit my heart forever with a friend’s through this journey?

 

I realized in my time of prayer that even though it’s painful…

It’s also selfish to try to lock away my sufferings…to try to hide them and forget about them.

To try and choose for myself how they will be used…only God can use them for His glory!

 

So here, I am, in my chair on the windowsill.

Writing about my week…and my messy, tear filled morning.

Unsure if anyone will really want to read this.

Just waiting for my boy’s birthday to come.

And I’m sure when it does…there will be joy.

He’s never failed me.

 

Labor & Delivery Room

Where I waited the first time…

 

7 comments on “From the windowsill (3 of 3)

  • Beautiful Natasha! Thank you for letting me be a small part of your little guys life, I truly love Wesley as well as you and the rest of your family! You need to download the song “Out of the depths “. Or better yet get Kristen to record it for you- they Sang it this morning and it goes perfect with this post. “Out of the depths oh Lord I cry to you when I am tempted to despair…like a watchman in the morning I will wait for you My God, when fears come with no warning I will trust in you always ” Or something like that 🙂

  • Thanks for sharing! I thought of you this week and knew that the death of Amber’s baby had probably brought back memories for you. I am so glad that you were able to help them and that in return you were blessed. Praying for you.

  • Hello Sister Tolson

    So thankful I can across your blog. I have been following your husbands blog on China Ramblings and have been praying for y’all and it has been so interesting to me to read about your life in China and what God is doing just because y’all surrendered.

    Reading about your precious little one that is waiting to meet you in Heaven and seeing his pictures really touched my heart. What love God puts in a mothers heart and if course makes me think of the love our Father has for us. Amazing!!!

    I am glad you are blogging now too. We are in Ga and attend Wahoo Baptist Church. Our daughter, Natalie and son in law, David, attend there as well with our four precious grandchildren. David is our youth pastor at the church (just watched your hubby’s video to youth pastors as well). My two oldest grands, Charity who is 9 and Jonathan who is 7 just attended Jr Camp with about 100 or so other 6-12 year olds. Please join me in prayer for them and their younger siblings, Moriah 5 and Andrew 2 to dedicate their lives early to our Saviour. Waiting on God to do the convicting is hard sometimes. :)). But realize that He is the one that knows them best and will guide and direct them

    Just felt like sharing with you that you are making a difference and to keep looking unto our Creator God to meet all your needs. Praying for your family with each blog

    Blessings
    Jan Grizzel

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