A mother knows her baby from the moment she reads the “positive” pregnancy test, and I knew almost immediately that something was different about our little one (my first thought was to put the word “wrong” here instead of “different”, but there is nothing “wrong” about this baby. God’s plan can never be “wrong.” ) I might not have known it from that very moment, but not long into the pregnancy my heart told me that this baby would never be “ordinary” to me.

Truthfully, the first few weeks of my pregnancy were just like any other…uneventful. I was feeling nauseas, tired, and grouchy. The typical symptoms that come along with a healthy pregnancy.

At 8 1/2 weeks, we went in for our first appointment. It, again, was pretty uneventful up until our ultrasound to determine the true due date. Our midwife was unavailable, so I saw a doctor instead. She did all the normal things a doctor does at your first appointment, and then sent me to the ultrasound room where the ultrasound tech had an unusually hard time finding the baby. After about 10 minutes (which is an eternity when you are a mother searching for your baby,) she found our little one. The baby was awkwardly in a place that kept her from getting a good measurement, but she assured me everything was fine, and that they would see me in 2 weeks to measure again and give us a more exact due date.

That’s when I knew. A mother always knows…

I said nothing to my husband but went home and cried. I can not explain it, but as I was lying on my bed, crying to myself, it was as if the Lord told me,

“You will not be taking this little one to China.”

And that’s when I did something that is totally unlike me. I replied calmly.

“Lord, it’s ok. If it’s your will, you can take my baby. I won’t get mad”

Now, I don’t believe God for one second needs my approval to do anything, and I don’t think he was asking me, but I was sincere. My answer was child-like for sure, but through my tears, I wanted the Lord’s will to be done, and I desired to have a good attitude about it.

For the next couple of weeks, I truly believed I would miscarry, but it never happened. Neither did my 10 week appointment. Mark and I were traveling, and because of our busy schedule, I had no choice but to put off our next appointment until 16 weeks.

By 16 weeks, I thought maybe I had been wrong. I started to think that God might not have spoken to me. I mean after all, I was 16 weeks and still carrying the baby. So, I put that conversation in the back of my mind, and started focusing on being “excited.” I started looking at tiny baby clothes in the store, and I even had a few names picked out. Since most of my best friends are also expecting, I began to think of how our little ones would play together at events and how we would share all their little milestones over Skype. I was happy, and ready to not only hear its little heartbeat but also see the ultrasound of my baby.

At our 16 week appointment, I was more than excited. Our midwife was in! I couldn’t wait to meet her, and finally learn more about my baby. But, it wasn’t long into the appointment that all my thoughts and fears about losing the baby quickly returned to my mind. The midwife excitedly looked for it’s little heart beat, but could not find it. (She was determined to find it!) After about 10 minutes of searching with the sound machine, she rushed us into the ultrasound room. My heart sank to depths unknown.

Did I miscarry and not realize it?

Instead of calling in the tech to look for our baby, this time the midwife searched for herself. It was deja vu. Just as it had taken the tech at our first appointment 10 minutes to find the baby, it took our midwife just as long. With all her determination, she found it, but struggled to see it for more than a second at a time.

Why, at 16 weeks is it taking so long to find a baby? This isn’t my first. I know it‘s not supposed to be like this.

There was no “sigh of relief” once the midwife had the baby in sight. She was worried. She had found the heart beat on the screen, but the baby seemed too small to be 16 weeks. She was sure our due date had to be wrong, so she called in the tech.

Our ultrasound tech was much better at disguising the fact that there was a problem. She did not think the baby was too small, in fact, it’s head was measuring 16 weeks perfectly! She had only one concern. She simply could not see it’s entire body. The upper half of the body was clearly visible, but the lower half seemed to be so low in my tummy that she was not able to get a good look at it. She gave us a few profile shots, and called in the midwife. They agreed that as the baby got bigger, it would have to move up! The baby was too low, at that moment, to see and measure the whole body, but they assured me that at my 20 week appointment, we would learn all about this baby. It would be too big to hide from us any longer. Deja Vu, again.

Isn’t that what they had told me at my last appointment? That the next appointment would be better?

The  news only seemed to be getting worse with each appointment! (This would hold true to the end)

I left the appointment feeling heart broken and confused. Thoughts raced through my mind.

Lord, if you did not want us to have this baby, why didn’t I miscarry?

Why is our baby so low in my tummy? My body had plenty of time to heal between pregnancies. Is there something wrong with me?

How come none of my friends have had these problems?

Will we ever hear good news?

I had 4 weeks to get it together before my next appointment, but it was hard. In that time, my friends had learned the sex of their babies. They began to start registries and announce their names, while I longed to hear my baby’s heart beat (something that seemed so normal to them.) It certainly seemed like the longest four weeks of my life at that point. I had faith that the Lord was in complete control, and his will would be done, but I wanted so bad to hear the words “everything’s okay.”

One comment on “A Mother Knows…

  • Natasha, I was thinking about you today and wanted to read your blog again. God has such a great plan in your life. I pray that He will give you the strength you need to get through this tough time. Love you!!

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