I just want to start this post with “thank you”

I was completely taken back this morning as I checked my email to find an overwhelming response to yesterday’s post. There were so many encouraging messages in my inbox whether from my blog, FB messages, or actual emails. I was so blessed by each and every one of them and I just want to say, “thank you” to all those who took the time to leave me a comment or message. I am humbled to say the least :).

This post has been inspired by many of the messages I received…

In yesterday’s post, I talked a little about the healing that I have experienced, and this surprised  a great deal of people. I received several comments from people amazed at the peace the Lord has given me, and the fact that I’m ok with moving forward. For a few, this even came as a little hard to comprehend.

The truth is, I can’t really explain it. God is so gracious, and He is the only one who sustains me; He is my only source of healing. This weekend, I wept uncontrollably just thinking about this week, and here I am in the midst of it, smiling at how beautiful it has been thus far.

I can understand, however, that for some this can be hard to comprehend. I have been there. I have read blogs and books written by mothers who have lost their little babies and thought, “how can they just move on?” I’ve even gone as far as to feel anger towards women who have moved forward and had other children.

My husband recently wrote a post on his blog about being “in the middle.” The middle of almost anything is…well…just plain hard.

And I believe the “middle” of the mourning can be hardest for us mommies.

The day I held my baby boy in my arms, you couldn’t say anything to upset me. I had so much joy, no one in that hospital could yank it from me. I had doctors coming in left and right giving me news that would send some mothers into nothing less than a depression, and yet I was on top of the world.

But when we left that hospital empty handed, my arms ached for my baby and grieving became a reality for me.

And the months after were nothing short of an extreme roller coaster ride! One month, I would feel completely at peace, and then the next month I would find myself lost in complete sadness.

The first six months were all over the place. Up. Down. Up. Up. Down. Up.

And then the cold came…Our city became a dark, frozen place…and my heart sank into the darkest of places.

I was in the “middle”…The middle of my mourning.

I’m not proud of it. I wish with all my heart I could say that throughout this entire journey I have felt nothing but peace, but I want to be honest.

Honest…so that those who are  in “the middle” of their mourning can know…He does give healing.

So, when do we get it?

Obviously, I can’t answer that.

But I can share a breakthrough moment that I experienced with you.

Hear it goes…

Throughout December and January, I ran into some bad luck. My kitchen floor is made out of some beautiful tile, but this tile is slick, shiny, and will pretty much break anything that falls off the counter onto it. I’m pretty sure at least 5 of my most treasured kitchen items were shattered in those two months. It was devastating to me since I brought each of them from the states, used them often, and there was no way I’d find a replacement. One of the items was especially important. It was a plate the couples class at my church had decorated for me. I loved it. I mean I really LOVED it, and when it hit the floor and shattered into a million pieces, I felt like I might die. I screamed and cried and pretty much lost it right there in the kitchen. I was so angry that it was gone and there was no way to repair it. From then on, whenever something fell to the floor (and several things did) I would scream out in anger. My husband would calmly tell me to get over it, and quit being so awful, but I was just so angry that all my precious things that I worked so hard to bring over from the States were being broken right before my eyes.

I know what you are thinking….She is sooo over dramatic!!

and I completely agree….I was consumed! Consumed with things that didn’t matter, and what was going on in my heart was wrong. Wrong.

But God would later use this to teach me.

On January 20th, in the midst of this dark period I was going through, a good friend of mine went into labor. Since having Wesley, 4 of my very good friends had given birth to beautiful baby girls, and for the most part I didn’t lose it too bad. But this time was different, I was in such a hard place that I became consumed (again) with my friend having this baby. I followed every update that was posted on the internet until finally I had to go to bed. In the middle of the night, my mother in law called to say that my sister in law had gone into labor as well except she was almost a month early! I lost all sense of reality and became consumed with staying up to date with these labors. I told myself I wouldn’t be happy until I saw that they were holding their sweet healthy babies (something that I never had the chance to experience with Wesley.)

When the babies were finally born and the pictures sent out, I found myself lost in sorrow again.

So, what did I do? I went into the kitchen to get something and BAM a cup fell on the floor and…..shattered.

I, of course, screamed, cleaned up the mess, and ran into the bathroom to soak away all the hurt that I was feeling.

I decided that a bath wasn’t much without music, so I found a Selah CD that a sweet lady had sent to me and put it in my computer to listen to.

This cd had many beautiful hymns on it, and at first I wasn’t paying much attention to it; it was, after all, just background music. After a few minutes, the song “I Surrender All” came on, and I found myself not only listening but clinging to the words of the song. By the time came for the chorus, I burst into tears, and all the hurt came pouring out. At that moment, I felt shattered.

I felt like my heart was in a million pieces just like the cup that was shattered on my floor.

I knew the only one who could put all the pieces back together was my Savior.

In the midst of the tears, I found myself singing, and eventually praying that God would forgive me for how far I let myself get from Him. For not leaning on Him, not trusting Him with all the hurt I was feeling, for forgetting how wonderful He had been in allowing me to carry sweet Wesley.

I stayed in that bathroom until the water was so cold I couldn’t stand it anymore. When I finally left, I wasn’t the same person.

There had been healing.

I wouldn’t know for sure how much at the time.

But He had given me healing.

And over the last few months, He has given me more peace than I thought possible, more Grace than I thought possible, and more healing.

It’s Him.

I know that it can seem so far away, but just keep seeking Him, and He will sustain you, give you peace….

 

and with your shattered pieces….He’ll bring healing

 

But when anything that’s shattered

Is laid before the Lord

Just watch and see

It will not be

Unredeemed

Lyrics from the Song Unredeemed on Selah’s album You Deliver Me

 

 

 

 

 

7 comments on “Shattered

  • Just wanted to say, I just read your two last posts together and the tears are running down my face. You were my hero last year, the way you handled yourself, you helped make my faith and trust in our God so much stronger. I am so glad that in our darkest hour, our lowest low, God will always bring joy in the morning. I love you and will be praying for you.

  • Thanks for sharing your heart and showing us the power ofGod’s healing, I am so proud of you, and you will never know how stew themed my faith is in God seeing that he can help you as his child through such a trial!

  • What a wonderful testimony!!! Of course, you know that the tears are flowing down my face 🙂 You used to be my “neighbor” and you know me oh so well.
    Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. I’m so thankful for this post. I need the touch of the Savior each and every day. So afraid that I’m so busy and worried about me most of the time and I don’t allow the Lord to work in my life like He wants to. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wisdom beyond measure. I love you 🙂

  • Thank you for your post and opening your heart! What a precious child of God you are! You are also very special to me=) love you!!

  • Thanks so much for sharing, I completely relate with the frustration of things that are precious breaking, when we first got here everything was breaking, I remember being so upset, those were such sweet things that reminded me of home and the people that gave them to me. I felt like I was being torn away from the people I loved and missed.
    Thank you for being do honest In all you were going through. It’s such a sweet testimony of Christ.

  • Natasha, thank you for being so open and honest with us. You are one amazing young lady, and I am so honored to be able to call you my friend. You have a very special place in my heart. I think about you and pray for you often. Your life has been such a great display of God’s strength and grace. Thank you for trusting in our Savior and not growing bitter and cold. Thank you for teaching us with your life how to draw close to the Lord and trust Him through even the most difficult circumstances.

  • thanks for being so real and sharing your heart. thanks for reminding me that God heals and redeems. we love you guys!

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